A gift for my Bear

I realize I have not given much insight into who I am or what I am about. That has probably been done on purpose. I do not feel like being very open these days. But I will try to let you in a little in this post...

... Less than A week until Christmas. How did that happen?!

That's ok. I'm done shopping. I finished for good yesterday. And all I had left was to get small things to go with every ones gift, chocolate and scratch tickets. I like to add something more to every one's gifts and chocolate is always a winner and sometimes scratch tickets can be (har har) so yay. Now I just have to finish painting a few pictures and wrap everything.

I decided to paint a picture for my Bear. Of a Bear... heh. He hasn't spoken to me since our break up (9 weeks ago yesterday...but who is counting?) and has only written to me once in response to the second of only two messages I have sent him. I have been trying my hardest to let him have his space and do his thing. It has been exactly a month since I last wrote him and he responded. He said he would be in touch, but that it would be awhile. I'm not sure what that means. Besides the obvious... but what is awhile? And why will it be awhile??

Anyhow, I'm not sure what he will think of me giving him a present for Christmas. I know no one out there knows the extent of our break up, so in a brief run down... he has issues from his past he hadn't dealt with and felt as though he couldn't be with someone and make them happy if he himself could not be happy. As he says it, he is just "fucked up". Totally understandable. This however, came out of nowhere, while we were still happy and fresh into our relationship and "I love yous". So naturally I was and continue to be devastated. The end of this relationship was not harsh, it was not because we weren't compatible or anything to that extent, so I of course am hoping for a future still. However painful it is to hold on... I don't have a choice, my heart made the decision. Although some days I wish it had chosen otherwise, here I am, stuck, in love with someone who doesn't love me back (story of my life), and hoping things will work out in my favor. Yeah good luck with that one...

That is the very short run down of how things are. And as you can see, we did not end on bad terms. And I have not been bugging him or pestering him whatsoever. So I feel that my Christmas gifts should be accepted graciously by him. At least I hope so. I hope they don't make him mad or anything... I'm not really sure why I think they would... but I have no grasp on how he might react and fear the worst. I didn't go all out or anything. I am finishing up a painting of a bear (which has personal meaning to me), bought him some of his favorite candy bars, some scratch tickets, a candle (he burns one almost every night) and a pack of cigarettes. That's not too much right? Although I am also making his favorite cupcakes for him and his family...
Not sure on the delivery of these items yet... I don't plan on talking to him. Just putting them somewhere he will find them. On top of his car?

So with less than a week left before Christmas I feel a surge of energy. Only a few more days and he will be reminded that I am still thinking of him and care about him. I fear him forgetting and have been very antsy lately with it being a month since any communication between us. I need him to know I am still waiting.

Pathetically and loyally, but hopefully not wrongly, waiting.