Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Low spirits- check. Sad music- check. Bottle of something to drown my sorrows- unfortunately not, as work is looming over me, but that's not to say I wouldn't love one...
How depressing I am.
I'm alive, I know. And I have my health, somewhat anyway... I can't seem to find my sanity. But I'm missing my happiness. And the idea that everyone has to be happy this time of year makes me want to throw snow in someones face. So evil I know. Maybe it could be yellow snow...
I miss him.
Friday, December 19, 2008
... Less than A week until Christmas. How did that happen?!
That's ok. I'm done shopping. I finished for good yesterday. And all I had left was to get small things to go with every ones gift, chocolate and scratch tickets. I like to add something more to every one's gifts and chocolate is always a winner and sometimes scratch tickets can be (har har) so yay. Now I just have to finish painting a few pictures and wrap everything.
I decided to paint a picture for my Bear. Of a Bear... heh. He hasn't spoken to me since our break up (9 weeks ago yesterday...but who is counting?) and has only written to me once in response to the second of only two messages I have sent him. I have been trying my hardest to let him have his space and do his thing. It has been exactly a month since I last wrote him and he responded. He said he would be in touch, but that it would be awhile. I'm not sure what that means. Besides the obvious... but what is awhile? And why will it be awhile??
Anyhow, I'm not sure what he will think of me giving him a present for Christmas. I know no one out there knows the extent of our break up, so in a brief run down... he has issues from his past he hadn't dealt with and felt as though he couldn't be with someone and make them happy if he himself could not be happy. As he says it, he is just "fucked up". Totally understandable. This however, came out of nowhere, while we were still happy and fresh into our relationship and "I love yous". So naturally I was and continue to be devastated. The end of this relationship was not harsh, it was not because we weren't compatible or anything to that extent, so I of course am hoping for a future still. However painful it is to hold on... I don't have a choice, my heart made the decision. Although some days I wish it had chosen otherwise, here I am, stuck, in love with someone who doesn't love me back (story of my life), and hoping things will work out in my favor. Yeah good luck with that one...
That is the very short run down of how things are. And as you can see, we did not end on bad terms. And I have not been bugging him or pestering him whatsoever. So I feel that my Christmas gifts should be accepted graciously by him. At least I hope so. I hope they don't make him mad or anything... I'm not really sure why I think they would... but I have no grasp on how he might react and fear the worst. I didn't go all out or anything. I am finishing up a painting of a bear (which has personal meaning to me), bought him some of his favorite candy bars, some scratch tickets, a candle (he burns one almost every night) and a pack of cigarettes. That's not too much right? Although I am also making his favorite cupcakes for him and his family...
Not sure on the delivery of these items yet... I don't plan on talking to him. Just putting them somewhere he will find them. On top of his car?
So with less than a week left before Christmas I feel a surge of energy. Only a few more days and he will be reminded that I am still thinking of him and care about him. I fear him forgetting and have been very antsy lately with it being a month since any communication between us. I need him to know I am still waiting.
Pathetically and loyally, but hopefully not wrongly, waiting.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
The danger it causes on the roads.
Cleaning it off driveways and cars.
The slush it creates.
Whipping in your face with harsh winds and stinging bites.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
You wanna know something I said I'd never ever do? Smoke.
You wanna know what I've been doing lately? Smoking.
Who starts smoking after their teenage years? Idiots. That's who.
And apparently that's me.
Wanna here the lamest reason I can think of why I started craving them?
They remind me of him...
Someone should probably shoot me. Seriously.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
I am small
Warm me up
And breathe me
Monday, December 1, 2008
Now I enjoy writing. That doesn't mean I'm any good at it. But I have an online diary that I write in on occasion. And I have a personal project in which I write to someone, who is never intended to actually read what I write, everyday. And I sporadically write a blog on myspace. So I'm not sure I need yet another avenue for writing about nothingness, but I figured I would hop on the bandwagon anyway.
I’m not sure what I will write about… I don’t really plan on telling people I know that I have this… but in case I do or it slips… I can’t write my most personal thoughts… which is rather limiting. And I do that in my letters to him, who we'll just call Bear, and on my online diary anyway. I don’t want to write about dumb things just to fill space… I suppose I’ll just do what most people do and write about the random things worth noting in ones life. Whether that is something funny or scary or stupid that happened, or some random thoughts I feel are at all meaningful or appealing. Rant, rave, muse and give you my opinions. Or maybe not. I could just write nonsense. I suppose either way, I will be joining the thrones of people in the online blogging world who feel their words might be of value to someone else out there. Or perhaps no one will ever read it. Then, I reason, I would be writing for my own well being? Eh. Whatever. I plan on writing. Whether anyone reads my words or not.
And of course I could start tonight with one of the many topics on my mind. There is one in particular that is weighing extremely heavily on my mind... but we will skip that for now. Maybe even permanently for that matter. Instead I don't think I will write much of anything tonight, other than what I have already.
Perhaps I will write more about... anything... in the next couple days.