Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Goodbye. I won't miss you.

Dear 2008,

You easily have been the worst year of my life. I'm not exaggerating.
You have brought more tears and heartache to my life than any year before you.
You started out bad and are ending even worse.
I have never felt so desperate, hurt, useless, worthless and alone than I have in the last 12 months.
You brought very few good things. Though I will say the good things you did bring were very good. Most of all, meeting Bear. Of course, most of my hurt comes from having met him...
With tears streaming down my face from frustration I just want to say, fuck you 2008. And good riddance.

May 2009 not bring as many tears... though the outlook is grim.

Just Another Girl

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Shed a tear 'cause I'm missing you

As I sit and pass time before heading into work, yes... work on Christmas Eve (although I don't mind, it's better than being alone with my thoughts), I am finding that I am rather sad. What a crappy Christmas Eve.

Low spirits- check. Sad music- check. Bottle of something to drown my sorrows- unfortunately not, as work is looming over me, but that's not to say I wouldn't love one...

How depressing I am.

I'm alive, I know. And I have my health, somewhat anyway... I can't seem to find my sanity. But I'm missing my happiness. And the idea that everyone has to be happy this time of year makes me want to throw snow in someones face. So evil I know. Maybe it could be yellow snow...

I miss him.

Friday, December 19, 2008

A gift for my Bear

I realize I have not given much insight into who I am or what I am about. That has probably been done on purpose. I do not feel like being very open these days. But I will try to let you in a little in this post...

... Less than A week until Christmas. How did that happen?!

That's ok. I'm done shopping. I finished for good yesterday. And all I had left was to get small things to go with every ones gift, chocolate and scratch tickets. I like to add something more to every one's gifts and chocolate is always a winner and sometimes scratch tickets can be (har har) so yay. Now I just have to finish painting a few pictures and wrap everything.

I decided to paint a picture for my Bear. Of a Bear... heh. He hasn't spoken to me since our break up (9 weeks ago yesterday...but who is counting?) and has only written to me once in response to the second of only two messages I have sent him. I have been trying my hardest to let him have his space and do his thing. It has been exactly a month since I last wrote him and he responded. He said he would be in touch, but that it would be awhile. I'm not sure what that means. Besides the obvious... but what is awhile? And why will it be awhile??

Anyhow, I'm not sure what he will think of me giving him a present for Christmas. I know no one out there knows the extent of our break up, so in a brief run down... he has issues from his past he hadn't dealt with and felt as though he couldn't be with someone and make them happy if he himself could not be happy. As he says it, he is just "fucked up". Totally understandable. This however, came out of nowhere, while we were still happy and fresh into our relationship and "I love yous". So naturally I was and continue to be devastated. The end of this relationship was not harsh, it was not because we weren't compatible or anything to that extent, so I of course am hoping for a future still. However painful it is to hold on... I don't have a choice, my heart made the decision. Although some days I wish it had chosen otherwise, here I am, stuck, in love with someone who doesn't love me back (story of my life), and hoping things will work out in my favor. Yeah good luck with that one...

That is the very short run down of how things are. And as you can see, we did not end on bad terms. And I have not been bugging him or pestering him whatsoever. So I feel that my Christmas gifts should be accepted graciously by him. At least I hope so. I hope they don't make him mad or anything... I'm not really sure why I think they would... but I have no grasp on how he might react and fear the worst. I didn't go all out or anything. I am finishing up a painting of a bear (which has personal meaning to me), bought him some of his favorite candy bars, some scratch tickets, a candle (he burns one almost every night) and a pack of cigarettes. That's not too much right? Although I am also making his favorite cupcakes for him and his family...
Not sure on the delivery of these items yet... I don't plan on talking to him. Just putting them somewhere he will find them. On top of his car?

So with less than a week left before Christmas I feel a surge of energy. Only a few more days and he will be reminded that I am still thinking of him and care about him. I fear him forgetting and have been very antsy lately with it being a month since any communication between us. I need him to know I am still waiting.

Pathetically and loyally, but hopefully not wrongly, waiting.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

It's been too long without my sun

Hopeless. Helpless. Miserable. Sad. Lonely. Desperate. Pathetic.

Words that describe me these days.

I can't even motivate myself to write anything worth writing about. I have ideas and stories and things to get off my chest. But here I sit now and type... and this is what comes out.


Thursday, December 11, 2008

Night Snow

I hate snow. I do.
The coldness.
The wetness.
The danger it causes on the roads.
Cleaning it off driveways and cars.
The slush it creates.
Whipping in your face with harsh winds and stinging bites.


I do love snow at night. Something about it is extremely calming and peaceful to me. I know that is cliche... but it's true. I love when snow falls at night. I love the silence. The blanket of calm that falls and wraps its white arms around nature. The sound of fresh snow crunching under my feet. And when the snow has already fallen, I love the moon casting it's heavy shadows on the pale ground. The way everything lights up in blue. It makes me feel at peace.

Tonight the moon is full. And the world outside it white and blue with short dark shadows lying still under the trees.

And for just a few moments while I was outside, I actually felt serene. Happy even. Something I don't feel very often these days.

I'll always treasure snow at night.

... But that's the only time.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Caution: Flammable

You wanna know something I said I'd never ever do? Smoke.

You wanna know what I've been doing lately? Smoking.

Who starts smoking after their teenage years? Idiots. That's who.

And apparently that's me.

Wanna here the lamest reason I can think of why I started craving them?

They remind me of him...

Someone should probably shoot me. Seriously.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

I am small

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Sia's "Breathe Me"

I miss my Bear. I wish he could understand how I feel...

Monday, December 1, 2008

Sheep say baaa

I have several friends who have blogs that I read. And there are several blogs belonging to people I don't know, but enjoy reading what they have to say anyway. But today I discovered that someone who I use to be close with but wouldn't have guessed to have a blog, has a blog, and I was inspired to create my own.

Now I enjoy writing. That doesn't mean I'm any good at it. But I have an online diary that I write in on occasion. And I have a personal project in which I write to someone, who is never intended to actually read what I write, everyday. And I sporadically write a blog on myspace. So I'm not sure I need yet another avenue for writing about nothingness, but I figured I would hop on the bandwagon anyway.

I’m not sure what I will write about… I don’t really plan on telling people I know that I have this… but in case I do or it slips… I can’t write my most personal thoughts… which is rather limiting. And I do that in my letters to him, who we'll just call Bear, and on my online diary anyway. I don’t want to write about dumb things just to fill space… I suppose I’ll just do what most people do and write about the random things worth noting in ones life. Whether that is something funny or scary or stupid that happened, or some random thoughts I feel are at all meaningful or appealing. Rant, rave, muse and give you my opinions. Or maybe not. I could just write nonsense. I suppose either way, I will be joining the thrones of people in the online blogging world who feel their words might be of value to someone else out there. Or perhaps no one will ever read it. Then, I reason, I would be writing for my own well being? Eh. Whatever. I plan on writing. Whether anyone reads my words or not.

And of course I could start tonight with one of the many topics on my mind. There is one in particular that is weighing extremely heavily on my mind... but we will skip that for now. Maybe even permanently for that matter. Instead I don't think I will write much of anything tonight, other than what I have already.

Perhaps I will write more about... anything... in the next couple days.