I'm going to be ok.

Texas was exactly what I needed. I have been back for one week and already the difference is immense. I can't even explain it. It was a life changing, perhaps saving, experience.

I credit the most drastic changes to someone I met while down there. He helped me realize that I would be ok. That there are other people out there who will like me and love me for who I am. The relationship we developed in just a few short days is priceless. He helped me more than he will probably ever understand.

Thank you my dear sweet trucker.

Also, while in Texas I was introduced to Dwight Yoakam. I now am obsessed. Hearing his music makes my soul smile... perhaps it's because it reminds me of the fabulous time I had in TX, or maybe it reminds me of Trucker. Either way, it takes me to a happy place.

I finally know I'll be ok.


Some Dwight Yoakam: Turn it On, Turn it Up, Turn Me Loose

Well I'm back again for another night

Of trying to break free from this sadness that I can't lay to rest

This old honky-tonk sure does feel like home

And the music with the laughter seems to soothe my loneliness

So turn it on, turn it up, turn me loose

From her memory that's driving me lonely, crazy and blue

It helps me forget her so the louder the better

Hey mister, turn it on, turn it up, turn me loose

Now if a tear should fall, if I should whisper her name

To some stranger I'm holdin while we're dancing to an old Buck Owens song

I know she won't mind, she won't even know

'cause she'll be dancing with a memory crying teardrops of her own

So turn it on, turn it up, turn me loose

From her memory that's driving me lonely, crazy and blue

It helps me forget her so the louder the better

Hey mister, turn it on, turn it up, turn me loose

So turn it on, turn it up, turn me loose

From her memory that's driving me lonely, crazy and blue

It helps me forget her so the louder the better

Hey mister, turn it on, turn it up, turn me loose

Yeah mister, turn it on, turn it up, turn me loose

A vacation! Yay!

Texas here I come!

A nice and MUCH needed break from the everyday drone of what I call my life.

I leave in approximately 6 1/2 hours and will be gone for a week straight.

I can't wait.

Rope Burn

I feel like I am holding onto a rope. At the other end of the rope is you. I am holding onto that rope with everything I've got, because I feel like if I let go, I might drown and you might float away forever. I don't know how to let go. I don't know if I want to let go. I don't. Not really. But holding onto the rope is making my hands burn. It hurts. And the rope is getting longer. I can see you getting further and further away. And as the rope runs through my hands it hurts more and more. As you get smaller in the horizon I hold on tighter and tighter. I need to let go.

This hurts.

Broken to the core

Why is it that nearly 5 months since the day you promised you wouldn't say goodbye but that you had to leave... am I still waking up and thinking of you? Why are you still in my dreams? Why are you still my last thought every single night? Why do I shed a tear over you, for you, almost everyday?

It's not as though I have never been hurt before. It's not as though I have never loved before.

I guess I just loved you more. My love for you ran deeper. And when you broke my heart, you broke it to the core. Tore out the roots. My wounds have not even begun to heal. People say it takes time, they have no idea.

I still love you my sweet Bear. I still miss you.