It's almost my birthday. Just a couple more days. I'm not old to most, just to the younger kids. Most consider me to still be a yearling myself.
But.
I feel old.
And I feel like I am going through a mid twenties life crisis (a quarter of a life crisis as a friend put it)... is that possible?
I dyed a section of my hair pink last week... just because my younger kid sister was and she had extra dye left. So, on a whim I now have pink in my hair. Not like I haven't had a random dyed piece of hair before... but what compelled me to do so in the 20 seconds after my sister offered me the opportunity? No thought process there.
I am also scheduled to get a tattoo this week. Just a small one. Very personal to me. I just decided this 2 days ago. Thought of the idea and went to schedule the appointment the next morning. Again, not a very long wait and much thought about something that will be with me for the rest of forever...
Aren't these kinda mid life crisis moves?
... I think I am just realizing, or rather acknowledging, that I haven't done anything with my life or with myself. I went through school as we are told we have to. Graduated college (with high honors none the less) and now... I work two part time jobs with no health insurance just trying to squeak by and pay bills.
I have done nothing with my hard earned and damn expensive degree. I can't even say I have done anything worth noting since I graduated a couple flippin years ago. Which is when your "real" life begins right? Or maybe I just have high expectations? My friends are getting married and starting families left and right. One of my closest friends just got engaged last weekend. Maybe this has something to do with how I feel? Ugh.
I haven't traveled. I haven't seen anything cool. I haven't helped save the world. I haven't even moved out on my own. I don't have money and I don't have cool experiences to show for it. The most I have done is to have my heart broken... twice, since graduation. Yippie. Awesome. Fuck.
I know life is all about choices. I know it's my choice to get out and do things. I can't blame anyone but myself... but I want to. I want to blame school for not preparing me enough to get a job in my career. I want to blame the economy. I want to blame Plum and Bear. I want to blame my parents. I want to blame everyone else, everyone who is not me. Surely none of this is my fault. Oh heavens no.
Heh.
I'm terrified of feeling stuck. I'm scared of the complacency of life. And I have done nothing about it. I seem to be waiting on something... I just don't know what... or if it's worth wasting my life for... probably not.
I want to change my path. I do. Pretty badly. I'm overall not a very happy camper. Yet I don't seem to have the right motivation to actually get off my ass and do something. The best I have managed is to play with the idea of a road trip in early summer. Yep. A road trip is all I have come up with. But not just any road trip! It's a trip by myself. And with no real destination (as to avoid getting lost really). Not much of a life changer. But time to think and clear my head. An adventure possibly? Maybe? Hopefully?
Ugh. If this is how I am feeling now...!?! I’m in for it....
A mid life crisis in my twenties.
I. Am. Awesome.
2 comments:
holaaaaa! qe xulo tu blog! me gusta muxo! el dibujo es genial! espero qe te pases x el mio! y me sigas1 yo te sigo ok?? bs!
This is exactlly how I feal and I'm only turning 18, just imagine, there is somebody out there who is more screwed up than you are, all the symptoms you described have been apearing little by little since I realized I was about to turn 18, which I havn't YET, but it's coming, and I can't help fealing just as you described your own crisis.
I'm glad to know that it's a normal situation people go through, and I've come to realize that even though we might feal stuck, we will find what we are looking for, and from there, will finally see the path claering infront of our eyes.
High expectations are not something good, but it's something we dreamers have, and thats what gets us through some really bad days.
Just keep on looking for the light, that will be clear when the fog dispears, and there can not always be bad weather, the sun has to come at some point, right?
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