I wish I was crazy...

I keep wasting my days thinking about what could have been, instead of getting up and living for what could be.

And I know this is wrong, which makes it worse. I know I am wasting my time and my life doing nothing. And knowing this makes me even guiltier for not having done anything about it. Sometimes I wish that I was just mental enough, just crazy enough, to not be held accountable for my actions. Just childish enough to get away with not having to care. But. I'm not. So, I am fully responsible for my actions. And I don't want to be.

I don't want to be, because that makes me a bad person, irresponsible. Because I know I am being wasteful of this one life, this one chance I have... and yet I have no motivation to live it right now. I have never been so depressed, or depressing in my whole life.

It's pathetic really.

I know I can change my attitude, my desires, the choices I'm making... but I just don't have the incentive to! I'm uncomfortably comfortable here.

Maybe it's the dull winter weather wearing and tearing on me? Eh. Maybe a little. But in the end it's just me. I'm responsible. And I am being irresponsible.

This wouldn't bother me if I were truly a crazy person right? So maybe it's good that I am aware of it. I guess I really do have my sanity left, some of it anyway.

But I kinda wish I didn't. This would be easier in a state of denial. Is it crazy to wish to be crazy?

I blame him. Can I do that? Can I pin it on him for shattering my heart and leaving me incapable of piecing it back together? Can I pin it on him for being everything I wanted and then not allowing me to have it? I want to. I want to point my finger at him and curse him. I want to scream at him and loathe him and hate him. It's he who won’t leave my thoughts. Who won’t give me room to breathe. It is thoughts of him that are suffocating me and distracting me from life.

But.

I know it's not his fault. And unfortunately for me, I can not blame him. I love him too much to put him at fault. He has his own demons to deal with.

No. I know it's mine.

Damnit.

In my dreams, he always comes back to me

In my dreams, he always comes back to me.

In reality... that outcome seems to be getting more and more hopeless.

I'd rather continue dreaming than to face the hurt in my reality.

I know that is no way to live, which is why I struggle everyday. I struggle with myself to get up and live life rather than to waste it dreaming.

I know I can do it... I just sometimes don't want to.

I like the world where he comes back to me much better.

Breathe

If you are breathing... you are living... and if you are living... you are alright...

... so I just have to remember to breathe.

Empty

It's almost my birthday. Just a couple more days. I'm not old to most, just to the younger kids. Most consider me to still be a yearling myself.

But.

I feel old.

And I feel like I am going through a mid twenties life crisis (a quarter of a life crisis as a friend put it)... is that possible?

I dyed a section of my hair pink last week... just because my younger kid sister was and she had extra dye left. So, on a whim I now have pink in my hair. Not like I haven't had a random dyed piece of hair before... but what compelled me to do so in the 20 seconds after my sister offered me the opportunity? No thought process there.

I am also scheduled to get a tattoo this week. Just a small one. Very personal to me. I just decided this 2 days ago. Thought of the idea and went to schedule the appointment the next morning. Again, not a very long wait and much thought about something that will be with me for the rest of forever...

Aren't these kinda mid life crisis moves?

... I think I am just realizing, or rather acknowledging, that I haven't done anything with my life or with myself. I went through school as we are told we have to. Graduated college (with high honors none the less) and now... I work two part time jobs with no health insurance just trying to squeak by and pay bills.

I have done nothing with my hard earned and damn expensive degree. I can't even say I have done anything worth noting since I graduated a couple flippin years ago. Which is when your "real" life begins right? Or maybe I just have high expectations? My friends are getting married and starting families left and right. One of my closest friends just got engaged last weekend. Maybe this has something to do with how I feel? Ugh.

I haven't traveled. I haven't seen anything cool. I haven't helped save the world. I haven't even moved out on my own. I don't have money and I don't have cool experiences to show for it. The most I have done is to have my heart broken... twice, since graduation. Yippie. Awesome. Fuck.

I know life is all about choices. I know it's my choice to get out and do things. I can't blame anyone but myself... but I want to. I want to blame school for not preparing me enough to get a job in my career. I want to blame the economy. I want to blame Plum and Bear. I want to blame my parents. I want to blame everyone else, everyone who is not me. Surely none of this is my fault. Oh heavens no.

Heh.

I'm terrified of feeling stuck. I'm scared of the complacency of life. And I have done nothing about it. I seem to be waiting on something... I just don't know what... or if it's worth wasting my life for... probably not.

I want to change my path. I do. Pretty badly. I'm overall not a very happy camper. Yet I don't seem to have the right motivation to actually get off my ass and do something. The best I have managed is to play with the idea of a road trip in early summer. Yep. A road trip is all I have come up with. But not just any road trip! It's a trip by myself. And with no real destination (as to avoid getting lost really). Not much of a life changer. But time to think and clear my head. An adventure possibly? Maybe? Hopefully?

Ugh. If this is how I am feeling now...!?! I’m in for it....

A mid life crisis in my twenties.

I. Am. Awesome.

Goodbye. I won't miss you.

Dear 2008,

You easily have been the worst year of my life. I'm not exaggerating.

You have brought more tears and heartache to my life than any year before you.

You started out bad and are ending even worse.

I have never felt so desperate, hurt, useless, worthless and alone than I have in the last 12 months.

You brought very few good things. Though I will say the good things you did bring were very good. Most of all, meeting Bear. Of course, most of my hurt comes from having met him...

With tears streaming down my face from frustration I just want to say, fuck you 2008. And good riddance.

May 2009 not bring as many tears... though the outlook is grim.

Sincerely,

Just Another Girl

Shed a tear 'cause I'm missing you

As I sit and pass time before heading into work, yes... work on Christmas Eve (although I don't mind, it's better than being alone with my thoughts), I am finding that I am rather sad. What a crappy Christmas Eve.

Low spirits- check. Sad music- check. Bottle of something to drown my sorrows- unfortunately not, as work is looming over me, but that's not to say I wouldn't love one...

How depressing I am.

I'm alive, I know. And I have my health, somewhat anyway... I can't seem to find my sanity. But I'm missing my happiness. And the idea that everyone has to be happy this time of year makes me want to throw snow in someones face. So evil I know. Maybe it could be yellow snow...

I miss him.

A gift for my Bear

I realize I have not given much insight into who I am or what I am about. That has probably been done on purpose. I do not feel like being very open these days. But I will try to let you in a little in this post...

... Less than A week until Christmas. How did that happen?!

That's ok. I'm done shopping. I finished for good yesterday. And all I had left was to get small things to go with every ones gift, chocolate and scratch tickets. I like to add something more to every one's gifts and chocolate is always a winner and sometimes scratch tickets can be (har har) so yay. Now I just have to finish painting a few pictures and wrap everything.

I decided to paint a picture for my Bear. Of a Bear... heh. He hasn't spoken to me since our break up (9 weeks ago yesterday...but who is counting?) and has only written to me once in response to the second of only two messages I have sent him. I have been trying my hardest to let him have his space and do his thing. It has been exactly a month since I last wrote him and he responded. He said he would be in touch, but that it would be awhile. I'm not sure what that means. Besides the obvious... but what is awhile? And why will it be awhile??

Anyhow, I'm not sure what he will think of me giving him a present for Christmas. I know no one out there knows the extent of our break up, so in a brief run down... he has issues from his past he hadn't dealt with and felt as though he couldn't be with someone and make them happy if he himself could not be happy. As he says it, he is just "fucked up". Totally understandable. This however, came out of nowhere, while we were still happy and fresh into our relationship and "I love yous". So naturally I was and continue to be devastated. The end of this relationship was not harsh, it was not because we weren't compatible or anything to that extent, so I of course am hoping for a future still. However painful it is to hold on... I don't have a choice, my heart made the decision. Although some days I wish it had chosen otherwise, here I am, stuck, in love with someone who doesn't love me back (story of my life), and hoping things will work out in my favor. Yeah good luck with that one...

That is the very short run down of how things are. And as you can see, we did not end on bad terms. And I have not been bugging him or pestering him whatsoever. So I feel that my Christmas gifts should be accepted graciously by him. At least I hope so. I hope they don't make him mad or anything... I'm not really sure why I think they would... but I have no grasp on how he might react and fear the worst. I didn't go all out or anything. I am finishing up a painting of a bear (which has personal meaning to me), bought him some of his favorite candy bars, some scratch tickets, a candle (he burns one almost every night) and a pack of cigarettes. That's not too much right? Although I am also making his favorite cupcakes for him and his family...
Not sure on the delivery of these items yet... I don't plan on talking to him. Just putting them somewhere he will find them. On top of his car?

So with less than a week left before Christmas I feel a surge of energy. Only a few more days and he will be reminded that I am still thinking of him and care about him. I fear him forgetting and have been very antsy lately with it being a month since any communication between us. I need him to know I am still waiting.

Pathetically and loyally, but hopefully not wrongly, waiting.